This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I hate when that happens.